Friday, 23 September 2011

Sutton United blog: Tim Vine, Conrad Pugsley and Wayne Slob

Before I get started, promise me one thing; you'll click on the word wizards when you come across it. Many thanks... OK, now let's get cracking...

A pint of beer has rarely tasted as good as it did last Saturday night.

I popped into The Alexandra in Wimbledon to kick-start a celebratory sozzle session after Sutton trounced Truro 3-0. With that in mind, what better ale to get me started than Cornwall Coaster, it kind of summed up Sutton's afternoon.

I raised my pint glass to Paul Doswell, Alan Payne, Wayne Shaw and the boys before necking my beer in an act of unbridled joy.

I can hear Amber Aleman from the Sutton Fans' Forum tutting now, and I know you're meant to take your time and enjoy a good pint of real ale, but my Cornish Coaster, brewed by Rock-based Sharp's Brewery, didn't even touch the sides. I felt like Popeye downing a can of spinach.

I can assure you Mr Aleman, I took my time with my second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seveth pints, but I couldn't be totally be sure abouth the eighth.

Saturday's epic away day will live long in the memory for those 100 or so supporters who made the effort to go.

Sadly, I wasn't one of them.

Instead, I braved Sutton's chav-infested High Street to get a present for a party I was off to later that night, a party which I can remember very little about.

Crikey, have you been down the High Street lately? It seems Wayne and Waynetta Slob and their friends are taking over the asylum.

Fag-puffing, over-weight girls in sports gear pushing prams, talking to their chenille tracksuit-wearing friends about the latest X Factor auditions while simultaneously digesting the latest celebrity gossip from their mobile phones and a Greggs' sausage and bean melt, is a common sight.

The geezers, if they're not dressed as wizards, tend to wear bright white trainers, tracksuit trousers, a Chelsea shirt under a hoodie with a fag stuck behind one ear. They refer to each other as 'bruv' and walk with an exaggerated swagger while listening to Eminem on their mobile phones. Many of them push prams too.

These people tend to congregate outside Wilkinsons, Poundland, The 99p Store and H&T Pawnbrokers to discuss the big issues of the day, such as yesterday's edition of the Jeremy Kyle Show, which character in Shameless do they most resemble and which WAG do they aspire to be or take to bed.

If this is the future, then God help us all.

Welcome to Sutton: Wayne and Waynetta Slob, with their daughter Frogmella. We may have laughed at their fag-puffing antics in the 1990's but we're not laughing now.

If that video of the Sutton Wizardman (real name, Conrad Pugsley) freaked you out, then search for the Bearded Lady of Guildford on YouTube. I didn't want to post it on here, I feel a tad sorry for the dear old girl.

Any rate, never again will I make the mistake of 'nipping' into the High Street on a Saturday afternoon.

I have actually written a post-it note and placed it on my fridge to remind myself of the horrendous experience I put myself through. It simply reads 'NEVER AGAIN'.

So, thank crikey then for Sutton's football team, currently flying high in fourth place in the Blue Square South table.

The fans who spent time and money following the boys down to Cornwall were rewarded with goals by Harry Beautyman, Craig Watkins and Tommy Kavanagh, as well as a clean sheet from Kevin Scriven and his pals in defence.

If you haven't seen the excellent highlights of the match then click here.

The Amber and Chocolates are so good at the moment that the opposition is even willing to score for them, as was the case on Tuesday when an Eastleigh defender put Sutton ahead before Tony Taggart kept his cool to claim the second as the Spitfires were beaten 2-0 at Gander Green Lane.

I reckon if Sutton went head-to-head with Arsenal in this run of form then we'd win. Mind you, it doesn't appear to be that difficult.

Glaring misses are all the rage at the moment what with the Manchester United versus Chelsea clash producing two real classics - Wayne Rooney's abysmal penalty and a Fernando Torres howler which defies belief.

It was unusual to see a Sutton player drawing attention to himself in a similar fashion on Tuesday night. Sam Page missed a gaping goal from three yards out. But, unlike Rooney and Torres, at least Page could take consolation in the fact he didn't have the world's media capturing his appalling effort.

No, instead he just had club photographer Paul Loughlin in the right place at the right time to capture the moment. Sutton's club snapper puts his matchday pictures on the world wide web, which is as good as having the world's media at the match.

The games can't come quick enough at the moment and the high-flying Magpies of Maidenhead provide are out next opponents.

Saturday, of course, is going to be a very special occasion as it's the club's first family fun day of the season and my old pal Tim Vine is going to be there.

Vine once hosted a night of comedy at the Secombe Theatre in Sutton which included Harry Hill on the bill. Unfortunately for me, my seat was slap-bang in the middle of the front row.

Within seconds of taking to the stage Vine picked on me, and so began a night of torture. Every one of the next five or six acts, including Hill, used me in their act is one way or another.

Of course, I hated it at the time, especially as I had to go for a wee halfway through one of the acts and, in doing so, drawing even more attention to myself. But I couldn't possibly hold a grudge against the 'man with the golden puns' who just happens to be a Sutton United fan.

A Tweet on Tuesday from Tim's brother, the broadcaster Jeremy Vine, read:
Just asked my bro, @realtimvine, if he wants to come to Chelsea with me on Saturday. Answer: 'No thanks, I'm watching Sutton United.'
Well, with a response like that he's definitely off the hook as far as I'm concerned.

Now, if only the Sutton Slobs wore the famous amber shirt under their hoodies then I might be more tolerant towards them.

Right, I'm all rambled-out now...

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